


When I Hoped, I Feared

by blackcricket, Elliott_Fletcher



Series: The Line of Youth [4]
Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Making Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 00:32:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackcricket/pseuds/blackcricket, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elliott_Fletcher/pseuds/Elliott_Fletcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't something we say. Tajima doesn't commit. He never has, and I've taught myself not to hope he will anymore. We don't say I love you, we just have sex. But now he's saying I love you, and I can't help but feel he doesn't mean it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Hoped, I Feared

I hear him knocking. It's in patterns, with invisible tunes, and it'd be comical if it weren't three in the morning. I get up and wipe the sleep from my eyes. They water and blur, and my vision's clearer with my eyes closed. I rub them until they hurt, and then I open the door.

He isn't supposed to look like this. I remember thinking that when I opened the door, but now I can't remember why.

"I'm sorry," he says, and his voice breaks and wavers, crumbling its way past his lips until it falls to the ground at my feet. I shake my head, and I must look angry, but I don't feel it. Just tired.

"I'm so sorry, Hanai," he repeats, and his lips tremble, and his freckles dance under a stream of shimmering tears. His eyelashes matt together in dark clumps, and he blinks rampantly. His brow is drawn together, and I want to rub away the tension. I don't.

"Tajima," I mutter, and he looks into me. My chest hurts, now, and it's not from happiness. I feel heavy, and tired, and this might be a dream, but it sure doesn't feel like one. I look down at my bare feet, and my head pounds with the pressure of a migraine, but he's placed a hesitant hand on my shoulder, and all the tension has eased from my muscles. I'd go back to sleep if I weren't so awake.

His hand shakes on my shoulder, and I look to him, and there isn't a part of him that's still. He trembles from foot to fingertips, and I wrap my arms around him, his smaller frame, because he needs to be steady and alright, and right now he isn't either of those things. My stomach sinks into the memory of last night--slammed doors, shouts that hurt everything, and then silence, which hurt the most. He's sorry.

"I'm sorry, too," I whisper, and he shakes into my hold, clenching my sleep shirt with his tiny hands, wrinkling the fabric around my heart. It pounds beneath his grasp, and I'm sure he can feel it.

"I love you, Hanai," He says into my shoulder, and I feel his tears soak through my skin. They touch me everywhere, and I tighten at his confession. Because this isn't something we say. Tajima doesn't commit. He never has, and I've taught myself not to hope he will anymore. We don't say I love you, we just have sex. But now he's saying I love you, and I can't help but feel he doesn't mean it.

I push him away. The moment has died. It feels wrong. Tajima feels wrong; he is. He always leaves and comes back, and apologizes without meaning it, because you can only apologize so many times before it becomes a lie. You can't say, 'sorry,' over and over again without even trying to stop doing what you keep saying sorry for. It doesn't work like that. It's never worked like that.

"Hanai--" he starts, but I don't let him finish.

"I don't believe you," I say, and the words hurt to speak as much as I imagine they hurt to hear. He bites back a grimace, and a sob escapes his throat. His Adam's apple bobs wildly, and tears spill heavier onto his cheeks.

"How do I prove it to you?" He asks, and his eyes hold a desperate shine underneath the coating of tears. He steps forward, and I step back, and soon we're both inside my apartment.

"Show me you love me."

Tajima bites his lip. "Sex?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"No," I say, and I sound strong, but I don't feel it. His face falls, and he looks lost and like the child he is, but he nods like he's the strongest thing out there, like he's a titan, and he's already in my arms before i've uttered the word, "stay."


End file.
